This is a whole other area I have yet to encounter when my motherhood journey truly begins. I actually had to google it - I felt like such an idiot. But then why would I know? The only willies I have encountered are the adult kind and let's face it, if you don't know how to wash it by that point, no one's going to stick around to help you!
Then there's the weeing everywhere. Oh my God if my son wees in my face I think I'll cry. He's going to, isn't he? Oh good lord, he's going to wee all over everything. My flat is going to permanently smell of urine. I'll be like the crazy cat lady who smells of wee, just without the comfort of actually owning cats.
The erections. Who knew even babies and toddlers get random erections?! I can see it now, I'm going to be in Boots and he's just going to sit there proudly pointing to his boner in public while I slowly die inside and plot my revenge for his teenage years.
The tugging on his testicles at any given opportunity just for fun. I'm told they do this. I can't see how that can be enjoyable, but maybe if I had testicles I would understand. One of life's great mysteries....
All these amusing and slightly irrational-sounding fears just make me more grateful that I am lucky enough to be raising this little man with a fully grown man around who can hopefully (through his laughter) answer all my how to wash a willy and what do I do with a newborn's boner questions.
Quite randomly I spent a train journey home from work recently in fits of giggles reading about the many escapades boys get up to with their willies without really once thinking about how this would probably all happen to me. Following other mums on Instagram can be both hilarious and enlightening.
So am I really ready for this next step in the adventure??
You bet your boner I am!
That is because, despite all the willy-related worries, I am so excited to meet this little guy growing inside me. I've never been a super girly girl (although I did love playing dressing up and own barbies, I also loved playing cricket, having water fights, climbing trees and just generally charging around outdoors) so I think a little man will suit me just right.
I can already see I'm going to be in real trouble, particularly if he looks anything like his father (which I really hope he does). God help any girl who comes his way in the future too - I can already tell that no one is going to be good enough. I can feel him getting embarrassed from the womb as I write this.
That all said though, I am determined that this boy is not going to be wrapped in cotton wool, waited on hand and foot and thoroughly spoilt. (Granted, I know it's easy to plan it all when life is far less sleep-deprived and before you have even met them). There is so much advice on how to raise strong daughters, but very little on how to raise sons who understand those girls a bit better. I hope Lee and I can manage to raise a man for the 21st century - not just well mannered, but one who has an understanding (as much as a man can) of the struggles women still encounter every day. A man who is mindful of those struggles in his approach to women. A man who is open to the concept of male privilege and how lucky that makes him in so many ways. It doesn't mean he can't love football or a night out with the lads when he's older, but to me, raising him with an awareness of these things is so important in 2018.
And that out of all the willy fears is the most intimidating bit of all. That journey starts with his parents. That's us, GULP.