I’ve been searching for such a long time for the words to write this letter. So many things run through my head but every time I go to write something, the words seem to evade me somehow.
Maybe as your Mum I shouldn’t admit to you that I’m afraid. So afraid of leaving you and shattering this little world we have built together. Afraid of losing our little daily routines and fun games. I’m afraid that somehow that means everything will change, and this incredible closeness and bond that we share will cease to be. I’m afraid that suddenly you won’t need me so much anymore. I’m not ready for that. But maybe I never will be and that is just another stage I will need to adjust to.
Until I became your Mum I did not realise the incredible feeling that comes from loving and being unconditionally loved by you. The way your face lights up with excitement and adoration when you see me is enough to make my heart burst a thousand times over with sheer joy.
Knowing that I have to leave you soon is a heartbreaking reality which I am having to come to terms with now that you are literally taking your first steps into this world without me.
So I suppose that this is a thank you. Thank you for the most wonderful and rewarding year of my life. Being your mum has completed me in a way that I cannot describe, and although it is challenging at times, I wouldn’t change it for anything. There have been hard times for us both, but I have absolutely loved spending the last year with you, I cannot put into words how good it has made me feel and how much it has meant to me. You make me and your dad so very proud every single day with the sunny little person you are. Please don’t stop being that sunny little person, not for anyone.
Just know that me going back to work isn’t me leaving you. Granted I won’t be with you every day, but in taking something and some time away for me, I will be a better mum for you. It doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of this change, but sometimes in life, to grow we have to do things that make us nervous. I am also looking forward to doing something for me too, so it isn't all negative, but I’ll be missing you like mad and thinking of you every day my wonderful little boy.