(New!) Normal service has resumed.

I deliberated for a long time over the past two and a half years about what my comeback to blogging would look like when it did happen. And as I sit here on my sofa, with a dribbling baby asleep in my arms, one tit out which I haven't got around to putting away post feed (frankly whats the hurry, the girls enjoy an airing), I didn't imagine it would be quite like this.

But I'm glad it is, and I'll tell you why. I wasn't ready until only a short time ago to reacquaint myself with the world post-Covid and post-2021. 2020 was a fucking shitshow for all of us and my husband's family very sadly felt the full horror of Covid early on so it all felt very real in this household. 2021 was a tough year for me and my family personally. 2022 began with the death of a much loved family member whose funeral neither myself or my mother could attend due to an overdue baby and Covid respectively, but in spite of that awful sadness there was joy around the corner too with the birth of my second son, Joshua in mid February.

The anxiety of Covid, grieving an ectopic pregnancy before Joshua, the sadness within the family, non stop illness during my pregnancy and a hugely demanding work schedule had left me a very different person. It had robbed me of happiness. I felt like a perpetually sad person. Sad was all I knew and I didn't know how to break free from it. I just wanted to hide from the world. I allowed myself to become a bit of recluse at the end of 2021 as Covid raged on - as I was heavily pregnant and had already lost one baby that year, I felt safer doing so. Not ideal that my husband managed to contract it, but by some miracle I managed to avoid catching it.

I continued to hide from the world in the early days of Joshua's life. I was recovering from a c section and I had to take life slowly anyway, so I resolved to be kind to myself and give myself the time and rest that I needed. I don't regret doing so. It was definitely the right thing to do at the time.

Then around Easter time I could feel myself opening up, growing in confidence and gradually coming back to life. The good weather certainly helped, as did establishing a group of local parent friends who myself and my husband really clicked and had a laugh with. I was able to start driving again and began to regain my independence that way too. I could feel the light and the happiness creeping back in and suddenly all I wanted to do was socialise and get out and about with friends. I still allow myself afternoons to chill in bed at home with Joshua, but no longer do I feel so withdrawn and lonely. I have also managed to exercise kindness to myself in the form of my appearance. I'm bigger than I've ever been but I'm refusing to do my usual and have a meltdown over it. Sure, I'm not super happy when I look in the mirror every day but I am working towards becoming a version of myself which is healthier and I can be happier with, whilst at the same time embracing who I am now without my usual self hatred. Maybe it comes of getting older. Maybe the past few years have put things into perspective. Maybe I just give less of a fuck about what other people think of me because I am more certain of myself and who I am.

Either way, it's bloody good to be back.

Still haven't put that tit away though. Fuck it.